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CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EDIT THIS OR CHANGE IT SO ITS A INTRIGUING INTRODUCTION. ALSO GIVE SOME FEEDBACK, THANKYOU!!!

From the bouncy basketball courts to the slippery oval in winter a wide range of sports play a major role in many teens’ lives. It’s also when teens are keen to play and participate in sporting activities and when sport becomes more competitive as teens enjoy the thrill of winning. Likewise, it is when teens start thinking about sporting carers which could result in multiple training a week and the intensity level to sky rocket. Injuries can affect anyone and there is no single sport that is specifically to blame for the increase in sport injuries. However, sport is played to improve fitness, learn new skills and also for social purposes. Teens account for an estimated 2 million injuries and 500,000 doctor visits each year. Therefore, with the increased competition and intensity levels in today’s sport, the increase of injuries is rising immensely, and we must be aware of prevention methods. So, teens continue to be involved in sports and experience less injuries.

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britneyyelizabeth

Hi, so based off of your intro the beginning is good I would just add a few more power words. One major concern is that I feel like you mixed two separate thesis’s into one. I feel like you jump back and forth without transition between “However, sports are* played to improve fitness, learn new skills, and also for social purposes. Teens account for an estimated 2 million injuries” If you see what you I mean. I personally would add a little spacer or lead up to the injury part of your paragraph. Other than that I really liked it. Some good words you could change are

  • Major to Extensive
  • Keen to Enthusiastic
dragonoflames

What I would tweak in the introduction-

"From the bouncy basketball courts..-"

The floor itself isn't bouncy. So you could change it to "From the slippery skating arenas, to the lively basketball courts, a wide range of sports influence teens' lives as they grow up." This makes you imagine the skaters on the ice. And the "lively basketball courts" make it seem very fast paced and energetic.

Other than that, I would just check some of the punctuation. Included is a re-write of what you wrote, but with punctuation tweaks.

From the slippery skating arenas, to the lively basketball courts, a wide range of sports influence teens' lives as they grow up. It’s also when teens are keen to play and participate in sporting activities, and when the sport becomes more competitive, teens enjoy the thrill of winning. Likewise, it is when teens start thinking about sporting carers, and how that could result in multiple training sessions a week, and the intensity level to sky rocket. Injuries can affect anyone, and there is no single sport that is specifically to blame for the increase in sport injuries. However, sports are played to improve fitness, learn new skills, and also for social purposes. Teens account for an estimated 2 million injuries and 500,000 doctor visits each year. Therefore, with the increased competition and intensity levels in today’s sport, the increase of injuries is rising immensely, and we must be aware of prevention methods so teens continue to be involved in sports, and experience less injuries.

Hope this helps you :)

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